Figurin' Things Out
by wawwhite
Summary: Jayne contemplates his change in feelings toward River. Stream of consciousness and Janye speak.


He wasn't supposed to fall in love. For years he would have never even guessed that it was possible. Him – the great big dangerous man – fallin' in love with that tiny, crazy girl. Heck, weren't it even supposed to be the women folk always gettin' all love-sick over men? And here it was the opposite way around. He didn't know what it was.

She had always annoyed him to goin' near crazy hisself. After that big old mess of a whole planet full of dead people and the Reavers and all he'd come to respect her just the tiniest bit – he wasn't nuts, she was skilled. She didn't get much less crazy, just more calm after she got those dead ones off her head and outta her crazy mind.

She was still lost, but findin' the way wasn't so frightenin' as her 'noxious brother said. He supposed it was because she had no one else – at least as much as before.

Her brother had finally found someone – sweet Kaylee. The capt'n had broken through to his lady, though they still spent every wakin' moment fightin'. He didn't get that. Despite a close shave the pilot lived and his wife was sure grateful to All that be higher. The preacher man didn't come back on – still needed a break. That just left him – and little Miss Crazy herself.

He would been more than thrilled to be ignorin' her like before – but her mopey self seemed to follow him around. It was downright unnervin' and all sorts of unsettlin'. He tried shooin' her off in no uncertain terms – uncertainty weren't never somethin' people found in him – but she stayed around. Bare feet tiptoed up on the high beams, and her long mess of hair slide through the holes in the gratin' as she lay down.

She never spoke much to him and when she did she was always creepin' him out. No girl should say the things she did. Most weren't so disturbin' and vile, but she didn't make no sense. Most times he couldn't make heads or tails of her cryptic remarks. It made him more than a little angry that there weren't no one to play with Little Crazy and get herself aways from him.

What only ticked him off more is that there couldn't be no way that he couldn't be a knowin' what they were doin' when they left him and the kid all alone. Made his aloneness all the more painful and annoyin.' So the girl followed him around and he felt obliged to put up with more and more of'en to stave off the loneliness – not that he'd every be admittin' that to any soul aboard this ship or off.

Unfortunately, she found the need to talk more and more, though she didn't seem to mind at all him not respondin' much back. He mighta wondered if her talkin' the crazy smoothed it out in her head if he weren't too busy tryin' to keep it out of his own. She talked about any number of random things, but over time he wondered if they weren't so random after all. Heck, he even began to be able to understand some of the things. Not that they were any clearer; they just made sense when you knew what you were lookin' for.

For the life of her she couldn't hide her emotions. Although much happier, she still seemed somewhat down right after all the new livin' arrangements were made, both findin' themselves on the outside. But talkin' nonsense calmed her a great deal, so he allowed it. A few months passed in the safety of the black, and she seemed to wind down about things to ramble on about. Now he was never one to mind the quiet, but he occasionally found himself talkin' to her. A story here and there – about guns, death, life, and even a few solitary remarks about his family and wonderin's what were to become of his future.

And she was a good listener too. That's when it all began. Most folks didn't give him the time of day to hear his opinion unless it was related to the tacticality of a job and nobody ever paid any mind to his feelin's before. Not that he lied to himself pretendin' his feelin's were of'en of the good sort. He found hisself to be a selfish man. Not that it was easy to look after anyone other than one's self in the black.

Sure he was of'en fond of his crew, they saved his sorry hid more than he cared to count, and honestly cared for him more than most anyone in 'verse cared for anyone else. But when it all came down to it he honestly weren't sure if he'd leave them to save his own skin. A few months ago it woulda been a very loud yes, but things had changed. These were good people, though they did leave them alone with Crazy. But it weren't so bad. She wasn't fond of cutting up people no mores and when not ramblin' about all matters of nonsense, she was a good listener. A few jobs, a few long hours alone in the kitchen, a few candid talks about everything in the 'verse, he realized what an important person she had become in his life. Shoot, he might even be fond of the little bugger.

It had been a bucket of cold water on his mind when he realized what he really felt about her. It had never really been anything physical. Sure, she weren't hard on the eyes, she was woman after all, but it were different. This was the furthest thing from lust. He didn't want her, well, he did of course, but it weren't like that. He'd just as soon talk to her and even spent a quiet hour with her, than using her in other ways that were usually suited to those other women that he hadn't even been with in over half a year.

He knew this was dangerous territory. What he felt about that wisp of a girl weren't too easy to explain to the rest of the ship. Right now he was a good deal more than content to just leave things the way they were and stave off trouble from angry crew mates. Knowing them, they come protestin' mighty angry about young girls' virtues and other nonsense, nevermind it weren't even like that.

A time would come – and sooner rather than later knowing his lack of patience – that he would hafta find out what the girl felt about him. But he was willing to wait a long time to keep her fragile brains in check and keep her from cutting on him 'gain. Not that he was scared of that wil-o-the-wisp, but there was no harm in trying to remain on the good side of a girl who could hold her own 'gainst a hold full of Reavers. So he kept his feelings in check, though he did wonder how much use that was 'gainst a bloomin' mindreader and waited. Not much else he could do. But when the time came… then what? Near to breakin' his own mind wonderin' on it.


End file.
